Dear Madame Sosostris,
I’m Scorpio. I don’t know my actual birth time but the orphanage said I was found in an overturned dustbin in Rose Street, Clacton, sometime after 10pm on 2/01/2001.
I was chosen by Bossman Legs to be his very own Fluff and we’ve lived in complete harmony until yesterday when he shoved me off his bed. Now I’m only allowed in the garden and utility room.
Here are three wren wing feathers that you asked for in your advert.
Don’t despair, I can solve your problem.
As a Scorpio you live intensely but with a tendency to extremes. Bossman Legs may find your passionate personality too strong for him, so he has distanced himself. Send me his birth date – it’s likely incompatability in your stars has caused the problem. Meanwhile my advice is not to scratch the door yowling to come in. Don’t wrap yourself round his leg when he feeds you. Be calm. Be mature.
Conflict in the skies at the weekend suggest this is not the best time to do something you might later regret. But with the Sun in Taurus in the weeks ahead your communication problems should ease and you will be able to bring about a breakthrough.
I am studying your birth details and will send the results when you forward one fresh starling. (Send by Speed Mail Refrigeration Service as the PO is unreliable these days and payment arrives in a decomposed condition.)
Madame Sosostris,10 Downing Street, Special Advisor to David Cameron and Nick Clegg.
Dear Madame Sosostris,
How can I ever thank you enough for your help? I remember now that yes, I gave him a little scratch by mistake that dreadful day. It was all my fault. So I was patient just like you said and after the weekend he forgave me and I’m eating in the kitchen again and on his bed at night. He keeps hugging me – a little bit tightly but I don’t complain. A thousand thanks for your wise advice.
I have sent the fresh starling by Speed Mail Refrigeration and I hope it arrives in good condition.
How fab that you give our political masters the benefit of your wisdom.
Such a kind and generous letter! You are a very special Human Companion and I foresee great joy ahead for you. Few indeed are able to appreciate the toil that is involved in developing horoscopes and birth charts – hours of study, nights of stargazing to calculate accurate alignments. Yet all this I count well spent in the service of the Greater Good. Of course I have to make a living, but I keep my charges low.
As I thought, your difficulty lies with your similar star signs, for Bossman Legs too is Scorpio!!
You are both passionate, difficult to please, secretive!!!
Knowing this will help you control problematical behavior.
I’m happy I’ve resolved your crisis so quickly. Family upsets can cause great heartache, but with a little patience may easily be resolved. Seen positively, they can serve to cement a relationship.
Feel free to contact me again if another crisis should arise. Sadly, I have had to raise my fees due to the deteriorating financial situation – engineered solely by irresponsible political Legs against my advice I have to say. Cost of future consultations – two mice.
Madame Sosostis, Special Advisor to Ed Miliband and Nicola Sturgeon.
Dear Madame Sosostris,
It’s me, Fluff, again.
I haven’t done anything to upset him this time, truly I haven’t. He bought a big new hoover strong enough to suck my tail inside. I yowled as it attacked my bum and he turned it off. Then I ran into the garden and hid for ages under the butterfly bush. He didn’t try to find me or pet me or say sorry or anything. Instead he brought his friend Abigail Legs down the garden and said, ‘I hope that ….. cat keeps out of the way,’ so I did. I truly did!
She’s really ugly with blotchy cheeks and red eyes. She’s always crying.
I haven’t been allowed in the house for a week and he feeds me in the garden shed.
But I know how clever you are and I’m sure you can help me again.
Abigail Legs leaves money around so I can manage the sky-high cost of Special Mail for your two fresh mice.
Bossman and Abigail Legs talk continually of Nicola Sturgeon and Ed Miliband’s marriage and you’ll be of great benefit when they move to your house.
My dear Fluff,
Stay calm. All is not lost. Whatever may have gone wrong between you, he still feeds you and provides a bed for you. Your attentions have been too passionate – perfectly understandable after the previous separation, but irritating to him. This will pass. Remember how thrilled he was to welcome you back in the house previously? When he bids you return, keep yourself a little distant from him for a while. Show your continuing affection by gifts and wait for him to lift you on his knee.
As for Abigail Legs, take no notice of her ugliness. May we not sometimes appear as unsightly to humans as they to us? Humans sometimes shed tears when laughing as well as when sad. It’s difficult for us to appreciate the difference. Approach him through her, shower on her some of those little attentions you once gave solely to Bossman Legs.
If you can discover her birth date I will assist you further for the fee of one vole.
May I recommend my Tarot Card Predictions to you? My continuing studies in card divination have opened new vistas and for a valued friend like yourself – for I see my faithful followers as friends not clients – the fee is a mere five mice, payable in advance, for a year’s monthly readings, specially crafted just for you.
Dear Madame Sosostris
Things are really bad.
I gave Bossman Legs a mouse liver and heart for his dinner, but he didn’t see them so he trod on them. He didn’t even thank me for giving up these titbits just for him. He was very angry with me for making a mess on the carpet but he made the mess, didn’t he? He just wrapped my gift in a plastic bag and shoved it in the kitchen bin. He pushed me across the polished wood floor with his foot and I bumped my nose on a chair but he didn’t cuddle me or even say sorry. Yesterday he forgot to feed me and he didn’t wash my bowl out today. Just piled food onto a dirty dish.
So I jumped on Abigail Legs’ knee and she threw me off and then kicked me!!! Ordered me out of the house using most unbecoming language.
Bossman Legs wasn’t angry with her. He’s sooo unfair at times.
It’s taken me ages to find the vole.
So sorry about your continuing problems. But surely by your age you’ve learnt Legs don’t appreciate gifts of mouse liver like we do? I agree Abigail Legs’ behavior is reprehensible, but I can’t calculate why until you send her birth details. Legs often keep these in their diary so check out her handbag. Bossman Legs didn’t rebuke her because he was still angry about the mess on the carpet, however unfairly.
Legs have little understanding of our emotional needs. They think food, water and a bed should satisfy us. We have to learn to forgive and forget such ignorance, hard though this may be.
I am due to travel to Brussels shortly, but keep me informed of progress.
I enclose my Free Birth Chart with Astrological Predictions for the coming month. You are very welcome to enroll on my Monthly Individual Astrological Predictions Mailing List, reduced for special members to the rate of one blackbird per month.
Madame Sosostis, Specialist Horoscope Provider for Leaders of the European Union
Dear Madame Sosostris,
I heard the Legs say ‘Fluff’ so I listened behind the settee, though I know I shouldn’t of. She said, ‘She looks quite old,’ and he said, ‘Fourteen.’ She said, ‘A long and happy life,’ and he said, ‘She’s a bit doddery and thin, though she still catches the occasional mouse.’ He must be joking! I’m exhausted by hunting every night.
Then he said something about making the final journey with me. Where will we be going? And why final?
I enclose a daddy longlegs; sorry it’s not more.
Your situation is indeed dire!
I must be blunt. Final journey refers to lethal injection.
My advice is to run away. Seek a new Legs who is more aware of your tender and charming nature.
Dear Madame Sosostris
You’ll be so happy to know everything’s all right!
Three days ago Abigail Legs brought a spray with her and Bossman Legs sprayed me all over. I thought ‘This is LETHAL INJECTION’ and shut my eyes never expecting to open them again. But I’m still here, and Abigail Legs says it’s worked and she’s stopped sneezing and crying and her face isn’t nearly so blotchy.
She and Bossman Legs had a big party with all their friends and announced their engagement, and he held me in his arms and she stroked me and they talked about allergies. Do you know what that is? It’s not like lethal injection is it?
So thankyou, thankyou, thankyou. What would I have done without your help and good advice?
From Madame Sosostris (encl)
The World’s Most Famous Clairvoyante
Special Advisor to High Queen of Punk Toyah Willcox, Queen of England Elizabeth II, British Prime Ministers and Presidents of the European Union. Consultations are being arranged with Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin in the Kremlin then with Barack Hussein Obama in the White House to reconcile these two World Leaders.
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